The year is halfway over. It is not unlike the adage of the half empty glass, is it? I wouldn't call myself an outright pessimist. At least not on the surface. I've always been the punchy kid in the background with optimistic fists and determined attitude. I'm always the one to lift the situation up and turn that frown upside down. Plucky. The good gal. The one everyone can count on. But deep inside I've pulled the blankets up to my chin and have settled in for that long sleep. I'm not really insincere at all. I believe in you! YOU. But I'm damn glad I don't have to depend on me. Cause anything good and just can't and won't happen to me. Fat girl syndrome maybe. I'd say always the bridesmaid but I've always been too fat to fit the dress.
I love myself. I hate myself. I'm too cold. I'm too bold. And it shows
Did you know there are some people that HATE fat people? I mean they hate them for no other reason than that they take up more space than them. Maybe that's it! Maybe they are so selfish they can't even stand to have to share a little room with someone.. How ridiculous. I'm sure it's not too taxing to share some room with 2 other 'normal' sized people. Huh. I used to hate skinny people until I realized that me hating them was like them hating me. There have been lots of advances against racism, bullying and equal rights for everyone but Fat people. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but until you've lived as a fat, non white woman you won't understand the sting of everyday life. It can be exhausting. You learn to work with blinders on, to not see the disapproving glances or your own reflection in the glass of the building doors. I think of myself in this crazy professional job and think I'm pretty much doomed. I'm not plastic and easy on the eyes. I work in a capacity that does not utilize my strengths and won't be up for any real promotion like I thought I would be. I'm older than the people I work with and way fatter.but this is important: I want to tell you when I'm not at work I feel sexy and happy and comfortable. I really do. And it's because of my friends.
I talked about the poets I used to know as trust fund babies etc. well that's not the case for the poets I have experienced in the past 10 years. I have the honor to work with and along side of the most talented, creative people in this entire population of DFW. They really work at what they do and they make life flourish around them. I'm a solid fan girl of them all. I have been around their magic night after night and never tire of their words. It's not unlike the camaraderie of the Beats I imagine. I like to think we've got a good thing going and to top it all of they are amazing people. My goal for 2014 has been to continue to connect with the people I admire most on a personal level outside of the performances. I want to know what makes them tick, thus this is my love letter to them. I want to write about my experiences on and off stage. I want to tell them who I am and what being around them has made me become. We are all the sum of the parts of our life. I could never have felt accepted and loved without their support. I'm still trying to find my ways. Sometimes this comes across as cold and withdrawn, other times loud and helplessly obnoxious. But it's funny that every time if come back down from that ugly high I have a pleasant landing spot amongst friends. The glass all of the sudden seems half full to me. The year is still open with possibilities, and fat is not a four letter word.
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